I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
