***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
