she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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