i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
