The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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