There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
BRING THE BAGELS
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
