If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
