I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
