Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
