I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Randomize
