I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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