I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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