Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
50% drunk capacity currently
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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