I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
