"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he was CRYING into my vagina
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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