she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I seem to have left my pride at pride
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Found your dick twin last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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