im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
