In America we eat man semen.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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