Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
