all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
