If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
