Are we in a gay sports bar?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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