I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
