By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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