Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
