Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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