good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
