She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
