Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You took a bar mat shot.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
