my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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