pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
