the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
