ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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