He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
