I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My vagina just clenched in fear
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
