He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You may now shotgun with the bride
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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