Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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