For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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