I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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