My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
