Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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