my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
