You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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