The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Randomize
