I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
