i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
