i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Randomize
