So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
