I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
