he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
