I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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