After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
