She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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