Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
