apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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