yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
