3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
