I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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