At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
