Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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