My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she pinky promised me she was 18
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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