i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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