let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
