apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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