sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
