Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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