Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
