where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
