even my farts smell like vagina
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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