something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
