how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she pinky promised me she was 18
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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