I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
