we're chasing vodka with high fives
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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