I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
